Tricky Emotions

I know, I know - it has been a while.

It has been one of those things where life has got in the way of blogging. Significantly. I am now back at work, however the work issue continues and I am off to speak to a completely different area about a job they have going next week. Whatever people are saying to outsiders where I am now, that's not what they are saying to me. I am about done. Then there is work itself. Sigh. Cannot talk about it because of the nature of what I do. I do have outlets though.

Much to the surprise of many who know me, I have been seeing someone I met through a dating app that will remain nameless. I knew what I was getting into when I met him - nothing long term, nothing exclusive, mainly friendship - and I have seen him a few times and we have been chatting over various media. He is very nice, we get along extremely well and I do find him attractive. Primarily we are friends and we had a good chat about this last night about where we both stand. It was honest and open. Believe me, I am not about to screw up what is turning out to be a very good friendship that gets me out of the house. Then, as we were saying goodnight, I felt a very strong urge that I wanted to kiss him. I haven't felt that for a long time.

In the interests of full disclosure, I have been celibate for nearly ten years. It's in relation to an incident that happened just before my mother died and I was left to face repercussions. Then the information I was given at the time I found out a year ago may not have been accurate. I haven't kissed anyone in seven years and I haven't tried anything else in the same amount of time. I had an appalling flashback. I should also say that because of my childhood, I am very much touch-starved and deprived. The autism makes managing touch difficult. I have had two relatively short term relationships with men and the rest of my limited experience has been alcohol-fuelled, scratching an itch, my getting the wrong end of the stick (see: autism) or being lied to. Then there's the extreme lack of self esteem and confidence, the issues I have processing emotions and the social rules processing and understanding thing that I also have. To say that some appalling specimens of humanity have been involved in making me the woman I am today is an understatement. Then there were two assaults. Yes, you read that right: in conclusion, I lack the ability to trust, I cannot read normal social cues and I struggle with my own emotions and feelings around developing relationships and attraction. Normally I try and ignore it. But here's the thing: I like the physical. I am not asexual. I don't follow or think I should have to conform to social norms of relationships. I am open to non-exclusivity and non-binary - I just expect openness, honestly and clear intentions. A one night stand is not something I want to be a part of. I need respect.

But today I find myself struggling with my own sense of lack of attractiveness. I am overweight and don't consider myself the most attractive of people. I am told this is nonsense but the truth of the matter is that either I haven't recognised someone wants to be with me, my pickiness and wariness has held me back exploring things (even asking for coffee) and my terror of rejection (because, hey, that's all I know) is actually crippling. A lovely guy I want to be friends with more than anything else basically told me that he likes spending time with me as friends, but he's pretty much not that into me. This is not his fault, it is how I am reading this and how it is feeding into that self-destructive part of my nature and I do recognise that. What I am not succeeding with here is processing it well. So far today I have cleaned my flat like a maniac and am sitting here writing this post. Neither of these things are taking the time to process how I am feeling and getting to the root cause. At least I recognise that though, that's a good thing.

I see my therapist in about 45 minutes and this is top of the agenda. These feelings are a huge part of something I need to get to grips with.