Heidweasels

It really has NOT been the easiest few weeks. I mean, there was the boiler disaster, on top of the Shutdown From Hell at Work. Then I had to do CPR on my doorstep (LITERALLY on my doorstep).  It is fair to say that I have been struggling of late. A bit like either treading water when you cannot feel the bottom or a fish out of it.  Neither is pleasant. Also, Fluffy Minion Has had to have three teeth out, bust a stitch because Fluffy Minion does not do wet food, so now has another week of antibiotics and also is not feeling at all the thing with a sore mouth, human slave forcing said antibiotics down its chops twice a day. Fluffy Minion (and human slave) are unimpressed.

Also, the local disability shenanigans going on. And then there’s the antisemitism. I had to block two people (no loss actually) and now my imminent birthday plans might be cancelled at the last minute.

So colour me surprised when I just could not cope with the idea of the public meeting tonight. I’ve got a document to write for this campaign, plus a motion to write for the same thing, amongst other things. And more work crapola. I am back to feeling like my life is going to Hell in a hand basket and I don’t like feeling this out of control. So I decided to exercise some self care and come home once I dropped off my buckets (long story).

What does this mean? It means HELLO HEIDWEASELS!

Last week I had a Very Bad Time. As in I was actually planning to do something Very Unpleasant. As in planned a LOT of it, which is quite unusual in that I do not get to that point very often. Really, I don’t. Having been criticised for NOT sharing, I did and didn’t get a response from some busy folks.

That, dear friends, is like ringing the sodding dinner bell for the heidweasels. They have taken up residence and they appear to be settling in. Fuckers.

Heidweasels are the charming (not), negative messages I have going on in my head. They are there every day and some days they are over-powering. Seriously. I tell myself that they only feel this bad because the therapy I’ve been having *is* effective and tackling them. Yeah, right. Let me introduce them: In the first corner, we have Stop Bothering People, in the second there is You Don’t Deserve It and bringing up the rear is You’ll Fail Anyway, So Why Bother? The first two are the main offenders and feed into each other (sinister, tag team anyone?) and I’m pretty sure number three will be along any time now. By the way, there are more. Anything and everything negative I think about myself eventually comes back to this. All the anxiety I feel at everything etc etc etc. And I know who gave me those messages. It would have been her birthday last week.

What this means is that, along with the monthly inevitable (and yet another reminder I have to make a decision about *that* cancer preventing surgery), plus my birthday and the usual depression about not having children, all of the above means I am spending more energy than usual on trying to smack them down and it is really bloody hard. And exhausting. I’m tired, upset and fed up. So every little knock, every perception that I’m a horrible person, every small mistake and it escalates and magnifies pretty sodding quickly. EVERYONE tells me to share this, my therapist, my friends but people I know really do have a shit load going on and, guess what, I don’t want people to hate me or avoid me because of this AND because of message number one, i usually just STFU and get on with it, with the occasionally bonkers and self-loathing message getting out as a hint.   Also, I did share this but I think the person in question missed it. And also the guy I was last sort-of dating? Might be a narc. Yay.

In short, the Costumeer is pissed off with the world, worried about her job, paranoid she is saying the wrong things to people and seems to have an infestation of heidweasels. Which is not a good thing if it ends up with another depressive episode (what is it about me and Mid-May for sodding episodes of depression?)

On the plus side, there’s a new season of Grimm AND New Adventures Of Monkey on Twitter, I can now get Cully & Sully soup locally and my neighbour’s dog loves me. And I made it through 80% of a conference yesterday. So go me.

Please excuse me, the heidweasels are laughing at me. I need to go and hit them with chocolate and mindfulness.

PS my birthday plans might all suddenly go tits up too. One remains unamused and wants to win the lottery, please.