Bah Humbug

Well, that was fun...

I have just got home from a party where I lasted 20 minutes. There wasn’t a space for me to go and do some mindfulness, so I just left. Being Aspie means I’m not great socially, especially around new or unfamiliar people and the behaviour of three individuals (who will remain nameless) was actually extremely distressing. One glared at me, then ignored me. Pointedly. Another said hi, then turned away instantly and I felt blocked from saying hello to the rest of the group. The third was their usual self, but I always feel like I’m not wanted. The hosts were absolutely lovely, but they were busy and it was difficult to speak to the people I do know. All in all, a bit symptomatic of how things are for me within local politics. I am feeling politically homeless, not by belief, but by the way a number of individuals have been behaving. I feel like I am being pushed out and ignored, which is upsetting me a lot, as next year I was going to go for approved candidate. Another new year, another year of me feeling like there is no point in doing so. Why would I when I won’t get the support I need?

Now bear in mind that a lot of that is my old brain, as my psychologist would put it, and it’s programming talking. If I had felt more up to it and not overwhelmed, I would have gone and sat down and reminded myself that people don’t hate me, lots find parties overwhelming etc. In a good way. As I said to someone this evening, it is absolutely ok to give yourself space to experience all sorts of emotions.

This year is always difficult for me: I miss my (surrogate) grandmother, who we had goose with every year, I miss my parents - for all their failings - and when my family aren’t around, no matter if I can only manage ten minutes before screaming, I do miss them. On the plus side, a friend is coming over for food and I’ll see some lovely folks while I have time off and then it is into the new year, with a new job and a lot of positive feedback. I have achieved a tremendous amount this year, both professionally and personally and that is what I will take into the New Year.

Just be kind and remember that the person in the room that looks awkward is possibly struggling for all sorts of reasons and it’s the season of goodwill.

Happy Holidays, everyone.