Bigotry and Other Discrimination

I was reading a comment thread on Facebook the other day and the original post - about whether it is sexist for a woman to suggest that a man has fewer considerations than a woman when going for a job - is sexist or not.

Now initially reading that post, I was all like "no, it isn't sexist" but then I got to thinking and reflecting on how I think about certain things and also some events in the past, right down to language I use.

One of my favourite terms is, when talking to people I know about their male partners, is "He's a man". Normally, this is during conversations about issues or things that have come up.  This is my way of saying that women and men, whether it's societal conditioning or actual DNA and/or neurological wiring specific to the complex nature of hormones and how they act (read up on testosterone studies in people undergoing gender transition: fascinating stuff) on people I could not tell you, but in cases I am familiar with, the XX and XY communities can act differently to specific situations. This is a sweeping generalisation, I know: i know deeply sensitive men and also quite brusque women. In a lot of cases, there can be something else (like autism) going on.  I don't think it's actually down to gender in most cases: I think it's down to wiring and whether someone is allowing logic or emotions to motivate their actions or thoughts. I mean, when I am in a citation myself and it affects me, there's my emotions, running wild. Looking in from the outside, more critically, it is invariable logic defining my responses and I know some people find me pretty cold on occasion. Note: I am not a hugger as a general rule.  Maybe I should use "ah, it's the logic versus emotion centres again", just to be specific and not offend some people. I don't know. Who knows?

I have also been accused, in the past, of being racist. People who know me are pretty incredulous about this. My step-mother is black. She's six years older than me and we do not get along. She was raised mostly in Uganda and then met my dad in Lesotho. She actually grew up during the more terrifying years of Idi Amin's regime, but that's another story (and not mine). Her cultural experience is completely different to mine and she had a degree of expectations about her husband's children's and the role she would play within the family. Obviously, being raised in the U.K., in a totally different environment and social structure, her husband's kids had different ideas. I was absolutely clear that I would respect her as my Dad's wife and would ahve preferred it if we had a more
big sister/friend type relationship. To be fair. I had a pretty awful relationship with my mother and I really didn't want another one. I should also explain that my dad's previous girlfriends and I I had got along brilliantly and I would have loved it if they had become my step mother, because I really feel that they both understood me, liked me and respected me and, in their own way, cared for me. I could certainly talk to them about anything and I found that really important. Not so my stepmother.

Without going into more incidents that happened, the key issues here are that it's not the cultural difference causing the problems in our relationship, it's that there was absolutely no communication about the expectations of the roles we wanted the other to play in our lives. There was also a total lack of explanation about cultural differences and - this is the key thing - a distinct lack of willingness to compromise on one particular side. By the way, this wasn't me. I did try to make an effort to understand the different background and customs of her upbringing, however I didn't get that back. There was no "what do you think", it was all "I am your stepmother, you are my daughter and this is how it will be". I might add, that this goes completely against how both my parents brought me up. But that, again, is another story. So we mostly clashed. I don't have a lot to do with her now: when my dad died, they had separated and I don't agree with some of the things she has done. However it is her life. Here's the thing: she was married to my dad, but I don't have to like her. That's my choice. I don't talk about the relationship between us to my three years ingest siblings, because she's their mum and I think that's fair. I know how they feel on this. But yes, I digress. When I explained I didn't get on with my stepmother to someone, initially there was empathy and sympathy for this: the second I mentioned she was black, I was branded a racist. Nothing about the fact that we just do not get on: as far as this person was concerned, they decided it was because of the colour difference, I was exhibiting white privilege on this and was therefore a racist (dude, wtf?). I still don't get it either, but that is how some people perceive this.

I have also been branded homophobic. Why? Because I called a grown man, having a temper tantrum in the street a drama queen and told him to calm down. I'd run into him, we'd done the whole fake kiss-hug thing and then I'd expressed how sorry I was to have heard something about him. The fact was, whoever told me what they did about him shouldn't have said it, so I should have expected the anger. That's on me. But to brand me homophobic and try and get me banned from all of the gay establishments in my town as a result? A bit too much. Actually, the end of that story, which included  show down in a public bar, involved said guy's partner telling him he was, in fact, a drama queen and that I certainly wasn't homophobic in the slightest. Perhaps you disagree.

I will say that I don't understand difference. One of the benefits of being on the spectrum is I just cannot understand how people have bias to what they or who they don't know or understand. Different faiths don't bother me, different colour of skin does not bother me, who someone chooses to love does not bother me. The identity they choose to express, at any time, does not bother me. Certainly, what they do behind a closed bedroom door or safe, consenting environment is absolutely none of my business and I think everyone deserves to be equal and respected and their rights protected.

What affects my personal judgment is how people behave to me and to other people: to be fair, if you hit me, bully me, try and feel me up in the street, spread gossip about me behind my back - it is going to affect my feeling about that person and, initially, possibly anyone who might look like them. I tend to call a spade a spade, because that's how I see it. Like the time I offended someone by telling them of a store to get a dress for a function, which is where I was going to shop; they got offended because they thought I was calling them fat. I wasn't, but that's how they took it. If you're nice to me but act like an asshole to someone else because of their faith, colour, etc, don't expect me to back you up. But you don't have to like everyone and certainly not just because of appearance, etc. Explanations are useful and exploring why you feel the way you do is important: people getting an automatic pass? No.

So on reflection, what I think I have learnt from all this is that:
Some people will be offended by the word you use, even if there's no nasty intent.
Some people take the whole PC thing a bit far, in my opinion. Some words are just words.
Perceived meaning can be completely different from the intended meaning
People can be influenced by others and events earlier in their Ives. I know I am.

I am not perfect, but what really got me on that thread? Someone saying it should not be allowed. Actually, the discussion was thought provoking in a good way. Certainly, the female role is seen as being the one where more care is expected as a general rule in society, from care of the elderly, to children and anyone in that role may be more cautious in their decision making processes. However, sometimes we should be willing to take the risk. We certainly need to sometimes.

In conclusion: I call a spade a spade and sometimes I offend people, because I am gob before brain. If I know I hurt someone, I apologise. If I think they're taking it too far, I call them on it. I have an aspie brain *shrugs shoulders*.