Life, or something slightly like it

I have retaken to blogging! Seriously, this might just be the thing that actually helps along with my recovery.

My forties were supposed to be fabulous. *I* was supposed to be fabulous. My career was supposed to work out in whatever way it was and I was meant to get on better with life.

As per usual for me, sh*t isn't working out like that. Again.

I've been bullied most of my life. While this makes some people more resilient and resistant to it, I wasn't so lucky. Combine this with a fairly ghastly childhood and more recently diagnosed and even I wonder how on earth I am still standing, living a more-or-less independent, active life.  I've been bullied at home, at school and in the workplace. I've been bullied by people who should know better. I've been sat there as others in more senior positions have watched it happening. A lot of the time this has been disability related and it's been senior people doing it.

Last year, I was finally diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder at the age of 40. Yes, I am one of those many, many other women of my age who has finally been diagnosed, so yes, I am adding to the large number of blogs on this subject and life around it. So you can sigh and roll your eyes about that. I actually don't care. In actual fact, I give precisely zero f*cks. We all have valid experiences to air and almost all of us have experienced issues that you NTs (Neuro Typical peeps) just don't get.

Our lives tend to be a bundle of stressors that we have to continually expend energy on trying to mitigate. And it's normal crap, in a lot of cases. From noise levels, to specific lighting, to the right seat, to even getting the bus to work in the morning. Right down to speaking to people (I prefer the medium of the written word). And trying to appear vaguely normal. We female Aspies in particular are good at mimicking behaviour and acting (seriously - you should see me when I put my professional hats on. You'd never guess I had any issues at all. It's all in the acting) all of which takes up energy. It is exhausting trying to behave normally enough for some people and I have little quirks of behaviour that I do more often than not, especially when stressed out.

Then there's the ongoing battle of how we recognise stress. A lot of my community cannot do this effectively. It's almost like we are so attuned to having to manage the additional stresses on top of, say running a house or a job, that we don't notice it effectively until crunch point is met. We are the frogs put in the pan of cold water that is slowly heated to boiling point: only when it becomes near impossible to cope anymore do we recognise it and, usually, a crash comes with it.  My case is slightly more extreme: I not only fail to recognise stress and manage to act my way through life, I also have the added value of associated conditions, all of which are exacerbated by stress. I really should volunteer for monitoring of the effects of stress on the human body. Seriously. Just when I thought I was clear of one of my MH (mental health) blips, I had a recurrence of migraines and chronic pain syndrome.

It's at this point you honestly wonder when your body is actually going to STOP TAKING THE PISS.

This week has also been a blinder of disappointments: I didn't get an interview for a really good job (and am left wondering what on earth this minimum standard is for disabled people to get an interview, I really am). A cake I made for free as a raffle prize, despite my not being professional cake artist, was rejected for not being "fancy" enough. (It was a Frozen themed cake for a 5 year old. Inside it had tinted sponge layers of Anna and Elsa's dresses and was covered in silver, glitter covered snowflakes and a light coating of pale blue, glitter-tinted gel. How fancy does a cake for a 5 year old need to be? I bought toppers for the thing, in case the theme wasn't obvious enough).

Seriously, universe? I'd like a f*cking break please. And some assistance with blinging the sh*t out of this blog would also be AWESOME! Please help your local, not-so-friendly Aspies in her 40s?